


i'm in love without you

by brittyelaine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27551335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittyelaine/pseuds/brittyelaine
Summary: Dean looks down at the jacket in his hand, folded neatly.  His tear-filled eyes are fixed on the bloody handprint wrapped around the left shoulder, and he nearly chokes on a sob as he remembers that moment.  Remembers the look in Cas’s eyes.  Remembers the feeling of Cas telling him he loved Dean.Dean clenches his fist, then lays his hand over the handprint.  Beside him, Sam inhales sharply.  Dean knows realization has hit him, but he can’t bring himself to look at his brother.  He can’t bring himself to see the look of pity in his eyes.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 90





	i'm in love without you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in my feelings about a lot of things. My husband, who wonderfully and passionately ships our beloved Angel and Human to the point of rage-tweeting at the CW at 6am to let them be happy, told me over dinner tonight that he had an idea for a fic on his way home from work and wanted me to write it, because he can't stop thinking about them and I "can make it beautiful."
> 
> He provided the idea and the dialogue. I filled in the rest. 
> 
> Title is [I'm In Love Without You by Finneus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-J8waq0unI)
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr!](https://brittywritesstuff.tumblr.com)

Dean used to find the silence of the bunker calming. After decades of crashing in the Impala or shitty roadway motels, a constant soundtrack of honking horns and domestic disputes to lull him to sleep… he finally had peace and quiet.

But now, the silence feels too heavy. It feels like a weight on his chest making it difficult to breathe. That’s the grief, he supposes. He should be used to grief by now. But not like this. Not this one. 

“Dean.” 

Dean startles and looks up, finding Sam staring at him, those ever-present worry lines deep in his forehead. “What?”

“I’m heading to bed, man. I’m beat.” 

“Yeah,” Dean grunts. “Alright.” He turns away from his brother, his eyes cast downward. He sits unmoving, waiting for the silence to take over again. 

“Dean…”

Clearing his throat, Dean heaves a breath. “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

Swallowing hard, Dean blinks and finally lifts his head. “Don’t you miss her? Eileen?” 

Sam breathes out heavily, taking up his seat on the edge of the table again. He’s silent for a moment before his voice cuts through the silence again. “‘Course I do. I never… never wanted to live without her, y’know? We…” He sighs, shaking his head. “Thought I’d finally found it. Especially after Jess, I never thought I’d find it again. Till her.” His voice is resigned, the implication obvious: he knows Eilieen isn’t coming back, but he still loves her. He still misses her. Still mourns her.

Nodding, Dean ducks his head, tears slipping past his lashes. He sniffles, wiping harshly at his face. 

“Hey. Dean, what… What’s wrong?”

Clearing his throat, Dean sniffs again. “Always wanted that. What you ‘n’ Eileen had. My whole life, y’know?” Sam doesn’t say anything, but he nods. Dean can’t really believe the words that come out of his mouth, but once they’re out… they’re out. “I think I had that.” 

“What?” Sam sounds shocked, if a little incredulous. 

“I had it,” Dean continues, unable to shut himself up. “I had it, Sammy. Right under my nose. I–” With every word, his heart aches more. It feels like Billie’s grip, and he almost prays for the release death would give him. “I had it, ‘n’ I just didn’t accept it. For the longest time. Too damn long.” 

Sam’s hand is on his shoulder, and Dean doesn’t even flinch. “Wha– Well, do I know her?”

Dean scoffs. “You know them.” 

Dean can’t look up; can’t see Sam’s face, but he can imagine the confusion on it. “Dean, who is it?”

“I can’t.”

“Dean, you can tell me anything…”

Dean looks down at the jacket in his hand, folded neatly. His tear-filled eyes are fixed on the bloody handprint wrapped around the left shoulder, and he nearly chokes on a sob as he remembers that moment. Remembers the look in Cas’s eyes. Remembers the feeling of Cas telling him he loved Dean.

Dean clenches his fist, then lays his hand over the handprint. Beside him, Sam inhales sharply. Dean knows realization has hit him, but he can’t bring himself to look at his brother. He can’t bring himself to see the look of pity in his eyes. 

It’s enough, in that moment, that Sam knows. That he’s not dealing with this grief entirely on his own. He’s filled with despair and regret, but maybe for once he doesn’t have to shoulder it himself. Cas wouldn’t want that. And now… Dean would do anything in Cas’s memory to make him proud. Because no one believed in Dean more than Cas. No one loved him like Cas did. 

Dean hopes that Cas knew, even just had the tiniest idea, that he loved him just the same. Just as much. And most importantly, that Dean will love him forever, even long after his body is swallowed by the earth and the Winchesters become a myth, that love will be forever. He hopes Cas can feel that, even in the beyond.


End file.
